And Now...The One, The Only-- Vincent Carbone

Hey there kiddos! ...It's Vincent Carbone here to answer your questions about love and Valentine's Day.

After a recent turd of a performance, a youngster came up to me and said "Hey Vince, I really feel like nobody likes me and I'm afraid I'm going to spend yet another Valentine's Day alone. What should I do?"

I reassured the young man that just because I was hurling insults at him all night doesn't mean no one likes him. It just meant I didn't like him, but I don't like anyone. There are a lot of feelings of inadequacy and shame that come free of charge whenever you attend a Vincent Carbone show. That's natural.

As to his Valentine's Day quandary I explained "Think of Valentine's Day as if it were any other day". However, he persisted. I then told him that if he insisted on thinking of Valentine's Day as a holiday it's better to put it on the level of Flag Day or Arbor Day. Hell, who hasn't spent one of those days alone.

But more to the point, I spend 365 days a year on the road, traveling from gig to gig, city to city, state to state. So I'm always alone. Every Goddamned day. Now sure there are easily tens of fans in every city who want to spend some time with old Vinnie, but I can't take them with me. If I did the authorities would sniff out my trail in no time. There are laws against kidnapping in all 53 United States. Mexico and Canada are a little more lenient, thank God. The good news is that in every city there is a liquor store and a Denny's or Waffle House. Some of the larger cities even have a casino or a kick-ass sex shop.

Still though, you may not have anyone to love you and spend time with you on Valentine's Day. So you've gotta love yourself. Why not treat yourself? Nothing cheers me up better than splurging for something nice I've wanted for a long time. This advice works for anyone. Say you normally go out to the corner and pay a whore $50 for a tugjob or a blowie. Instead splurge and pay the hooker a bill or more and get into some raunchy ass-sex. That should cure the lonelies. And you'll feel so warm and loved afterwards that you certainly won't have any feelings of guilt or shame. Trust me. No remorse.

So there you have it. You just chased away the blues with a little help from old Vincent Carbone. If you're still looking for more sage advice I suggest you come see me at the SoundPony with the Newark All-Stars on Valentine's Day.